I said I would blog about my decision to start my sober journey so here I am…
Those who know me, know I love wine and champagne, a bit too much most of the time, it’s a tumultuous relationship, ups and downs and highs and lows. But lately, there were more downs, more lows and it was no longer serving me in any way.
I woke up one day and just thought, I cannot do this anymore, I cannot keep using alcohol as a crutch, I know my life can be better. So, I stopped. Today I am exactly 7 weeks sober, and it is the best thing I have done for myself. I didn’t do it for any challenge, or to prove a point, I did it for me, so it’s taking some deep mental work.
The first few weeks, I was on such a high, life was amazing, I felt great, was sleeping well and I didn’t have the sugar cravings that often come with kicking the booze. This kept me going, wow, I thought, I didn’t realise life could be so good without my trusted friend Pinot Grigio.
I am still enjoying being sober, but I am also now dealing with emotions without anesthetising them and it’s quite frankly hard. My life keeps flashing before my eyes in a cringe filled ball of alcohol induced blurriness and I am trying to bat away emotions left, right and centre.
I didn’t cry for about 6 weeks, and I am a crier, I mean, I cried when I saw a duck and her ducklings crossing a dual carriageway when I was driving home from a meeting (true story, they made it though), so I was a bit worried that sober me, is cold hearted and unfeeling. So, the relief of waking up on Sunday and crying for no reason was fabulous. Before this, I was contemplating watching Dumbo, such was my need to check my tear ducts were still working. Fortunately, I have been saved from putting myself through that little heartbreak (I know it has a happy ending, but it gets me every time!).
I have always tried to achieve that elusive moderation, where I would be all sophisticated, have a glass of wine and use my hand to cover my glass to refuse more, because I had enough, but that never actually happened and nor was it going to. I am more of a ‘keep it coming’ and ‘don’t drown it in ice, it waters it down’ type of girl (probably why I don’t like Mojitos!).
I would like to say that getting sober has meant being more productive, but sadly so far that hasn’t happened, but I am productively getting in my pyjamas and faceplanting bags of chocolate. I am currently looking for a ‘fix’ of something that nothing seems to be giving and I have tried everything. I was at my mums the other day and she said she had made a Christmas cake and it just needed pricking and feeding brandy, and I thought, that’s exactly what I need!
For now, I might not be treated like a Christmas cake, but I am sober and better for it!