For those that have followed my (very varied!) journey will know how much I miss my cats, or ‘the babies’ as we referred to them. Now, bear in mind there would be no cats if it was not for me (long story), but the ex is very caring and loves them as much as I do that it made sense for him to have custody (fyi, their birth certificates are in my name 😉!). But I don’t need to worry about them as I know they are in great hands and I get visitation rights 😉. Of course, leaving them broke my heart, it still does, but knowing they are well looked after helps.

Anyway, I moved into my new house, got it all redecorated and refurbished, it’s pristine, beautiful and just so, so lovely. I was adamant I would not get a cat, I mean, I have paid a lot of money for new carpets, furniture, etc. I need a while before a cat comes and scratches it all……

I love living alone, I forgot how nice it was, how I sleep so neatly my bed covers barely move, housework takes 45 mins because there is hardly anything to clean, I only remember to put a wash on because I have run out of socks….but it feels a little empty. I remember renting many years ago and being desperate for a cat but couldn’t get one (due to said renting) but knew it would be fab to have a little furry purrer! Fast forward to meeting the ex and we had an adopted cat (you know, the neighbourhood one that touts its paws around town!) then we got kittens (aka ‘the babies’, still known to this day as the babies even though they are 7!).

Then, there I am, minding my own business when a friend messaged me on Facebook asking if I would consider rehoming her cat as she was moving and couldn’t take her, she wanted to know she would go to a loving home and thought of me! I asked for a couple of days to think about it, but within the hour I just said yes (I mean, I could have pretended to think for a day or two, but we all know I was going to say yes!).

So up turns Binky, the most gorgeous, sweet little thing, (there were tears on the doorstep from myself and owner, my god is that hard but she also gets visitation rights 😉!).  She is doing very well and is super confident already. (The cat, not previous owner!).

I have given her a middle name, ‘Zazzles’…. Why you ask? Well, myself and ‘jump the queue guy’ as I have mentioned, love The Big Bang Theory, there was an episode where Sheldon adopted loads of cats (he couldn’t understand he was feeling emotion so replaced his feelings with cats!) and they were all named after scientists, except one cat he names Zazzles because ‘she’s so zazzy’, well for some reason that tickled us so much and I said, if I get a pet I am calling it zazzles, so it was just apt that Binky got a middle name!

My fab work colleagues have heard all about the cat and they all refer to her as Zazzles which makes me laugh and is very apt! None of them were surprised that I adopted one either! Also, Binky Zazzles and Jump the queue guy have bonded which is a good sign and he really likes her lol.

So, I feel life is complete, new home, new start and now a cat which is my purrfect (sorry!)  match as she is very chatty, needs attention and likes the mirror – sound like anyone you know?! 😊

(Disclaimer it isn’t),

There is a story circulating on social media (I will not link to it as I don’t think it is healthy to bring your attention to it, especially if you are facing/new to a stoma) about a woman who hates it as she experiences so many leaks and bag changes per day.

This is not the norm – it is a daily newspaper looking for headlines, for shocking stories, for making ‘disabilities’ appear so horrific we could not possibly cope if it happened to us. I would like to say with stomas, this is not the norm, you have options, different bag choices, stoma nurses to speak to, adhesive bands and removers, this woman’s problem seems predominantly to be a an adhesive one. I hope she can get it sorted, find a product that works for her, but I would just like to say it IS UNUSUAL.

Most of us with bags, don’t want them, (obviously) but find something that works and generally deal with them. Yes, there can be leaks and inconvenient moments, but on the whole you deal with it, move on and realise it happened because of an anomaly.

To roll out headlines about how horrific it is, just isn’t helpful. When I faced mine, it was almost 10 years ago (wow, where did that go!!), I knew so little about it, there was no social media about it and I genuinely thought I was dealing with the most horrific thing known to man, I thought I would be wheeling that baby about on one of those drip poles for the rest of my life!!

If I had known it wouldn’t be like that, that I could still wear the clothes I like, have sex, date, swim, wear cropped tops, lift weights, run (pushing it now…!) then I may have considered it before it was life threatening. I might not have been so ill, so near death, may have been saved from blood transfusions, life or death surgeries and many, many medications, then, I may well have considered it. (we’ll never know, I was never given the choice).

I have said before, nobody wants a bag, we don’t, if we could do anything but not have one we would. I miss some things about not having one (mainly my ability to eat sweetcorn and that’s about the only thing that springs to mind 😉!). Look, of course, there are things that change, but doesn’t life change anyway? Things happen to us that change us. Yet we adapt. I miss certain stuff, but, if 2020 has taught us anything, it’s we can bloody well accept a change in life!

I have also said this so many times, but if a person you are dating can’t accept it, move on, if they are struggling to deal with it, chat to them, have an open conversation about how you can both accept it and move on (but always, always get rid it they use it to make you feel less then you are, have they been through what you have – no – so hello and goodbye!!).

But if we look at stoma’s (still in 2021 AND in a pandemic) then what hope does that give to people maybe facing a stoma or just living with one. And it is not just an ‘old person thing’ it really can happen at any age. Mainly due to debilitating bowel conditions (Crohn’s and Ulcerative Colitis, which usually happen in teenage/early twenty years as well as bowel cancer, to name a few)

It’s so hard to be out and proud with a stoma, but here I am, nearly 10 years down the road, I refuse to not walk around naked in front of someone, I refuse to cover it up, I refuse to not wear a ‘normal bikini’, I refuse to be silent about it, I refuse to try and ignore the sounds it likes to make, I refuse that someone won’t be intimate with me or not like me because of it.

Ok, it’s not all plain sailing, but we all have stuff that isn’t ‘plain sailing’, so can we stop with the sensationalist headlines and give people confidence that they will live a good life, they will find a ‘bag fit’ and facing a stoma really isn’t the worst thing it can be.

Surely, I am proof of that – I mean if you haven’t read my other blogs or followed me on social media (then why?!?!) then you will see just how much can be achieved and I beg you, do it, live your best life, don’t let that fashionable little accessory stop you 😉

I have mentioned dating in my previous blog and I think dating in a pandemic is really hard! I mean, what do you do, wait for the pandemic to end before you navigate the dating scene or just give it a virtual try and see what happens??

If there is something I have learnt from the last few months, I DO NOT need a man for happiness, I have independence, my own home, a good job, a side business, amazing colleagues, supportive friends and the most delicious (in my mum’s words ‘dollies house’) house!! I am incredibly happy, so for a man to fit in, he really needs to enhance that experience, not just show up and expect me to be grateful!

Anyway, as I said before (being the independent woman that I now am) decided to go on tinder 😉 – it was an experience – BUT a guy slid into my Facebook DM’s (we already knew each other from years ago but hadn’t seen each other for years) and asked if I remembered him, what was someone like me doing on a dating app and he thought he would bypass Tinder and go straight for messenger to see if he could ‘jump the queue’. Well somehow, that made me really laugh and he had me at ‘jump the queue’ 😉

So we spent a good month chatting on messenger, then WhatsApp, video chat etc. We (socially distanced) met to see if we liked each other in person (I mean, we might have terrified each other in real life, so it was good to check we didn’t before we were down a rabbit hole of 6 months facetiming, later!) then I was quite clear that I would be bubbling with my sister for a while. So, queue yet another month or so of phone calls/facetime and messaging.

Of course, in lockdown, there isn’t much you can do other than video call, when we did, we would both pretty much be in casual wear or PJ’s, I think because we had spent so much time speaking and getting to know each other we were just that comfortable. Plus, I did nothing but laugh when we chatted, which was such a welcome relief.

I have spoken to a few other people who have met during lockdown and it’s a similar situation. I call it ‘Dating in Reverse’.  Normally you meet someone and it’s all awkward first dates, worrying about your outfit, what to talk about etc. it takes ages until you feel comfy enough to swap your skinny jeans for PJ’s, read your book in bed or just binge watch TV. But here we are in this pandemic and we are getting to know the person in depth due to the amount of calls/facetime etc. This isn’t something you usually do when you can date under normal conditions. It’s a while until you get to the ‘comfy’ stage.

So at the moment, we are (all of those dating) getting to the comfy stage really early, which I think is due to that phenomenon of actually getting to know someone! But it feels easy, comfortable and relaxed and I genuinely think that’s such a good thing. Plus, we have the actual dating bit to look forward to (dating in reverse!), wow, imagine, if you like someone with bad hair, PJ’s, a penchant for lazing around, binge watching TV (I mean this is just me!), how much better will they be when we are all dressed up with haircuts?! (Or maybe not, stranger things have happened to put us off people 😉!)

So, how are things going with ‘jump the queue’ guy, well you will just have to tune in for more, but he can cook – really well (more on that later), makes me laugh all the time and we are enjoying each other’s company and are both happy. Plus, we both have the biggest love for ‘The Big Bang Theory’, which I love as it’s one of my fave shows!! We will see how it goes and hopefully decent clothes and good haircuts won’t put us off! 😉

All I will say is that ‘Dating in reverse’ has taught me some stuff, it is so worth spending time getting to know someone, more talking, less ‘dating’, can you hold an 8 hour conversation (yes myself and ‘jump the queue guy’ have done that, I may also have had a little nap in the middle!)? But, if you can find yourself doing that, still laughing, still reluctant to put down the phone, then that’s only a good thing. 🙂

I had to weigh in on this, I usually like to keep my blogs fairly light hearted but ffs hasn’t it been a heavy week for women. So much has gone on that has made our blood boil, made us despair, feel fed up, disappointed, angry and all we can do is share, share, share on social media.

#notallmen has been the biggest hashtag this week, which beggar’s belief and just goes to show how much men will come together when they think it is an attack on them. But what about when it is an attack on women, all day, every day, where are the men then? They are sitting there, not getting involved because they don’t believe it is them or their friends.

If men spent as much time advocating for the very basic rights of women as they do defending themselves, we might be in a better position. I do not dislike men, I like the company of men, but as I get older I realise that I don’t want to be around men that aren’t willing to listen, to understand, to educate themselves on the abuse against women by men.

Yes men get attacked but it is mainly by MEN – so when men say, ‘oh yeah but men get raped/attacked’, yes, but by WHO???? So why as a man are you still ignoring women or belittling their experience?? Have you not realised that is mainly men that are the problem?

I was catcalled at school when I was about 12 for the size of my boobs (I developed early), I’ve been wolf whistled and intimidated by men on the streets, I have been told to ‘smile love’, I have been physically attacked in a lift because I said I wasn’t interested, I’ve been touched when I didn’t asked to be, had my bum slapped, my vagina grabbed, my leg rubbed, I’ve crossed the street, walked a bit faster, ducked into a shop etc. etc. much like every other woman. IT IS NOT OKAY.

Now, on the basis of #notallmen I have had males that have looked after me, seen me safe, not taken advantage, checked I got home ok, but this is a fundamental human respect, not just a good guy mentality surely?

We really aren’t going to see a change until men start taking a stand, educate your fellow men, call them out, don’t engage in sexism/misogyny, read books or articles that give you stats and information. Yes, I appreciate that for men, it is nerve racking, that you might get called ‘a pussy’, ‘to man up’ or may get ridiculed etc. but to point out again, this vitriol is coming from MEN. Do you want these people in your life?? Also (as my work bestie said) the worst thing they have to worry about is being ridiculed, not actually being raped or murdered. I can’t tell you how many times my friends have taken the mickey out of me for the things I have said, but I have never worried one of them might actually attack me. Because I trust that they are good people!

Not all women are good either, I get that, I have been bullied by females- a lot, that is scarring, yes I could be attacked by a bunch of females but it is far less likely than being harassed/attacked/frightened by a male.

On my 40^th birthday, I had a party in a pub that was 5 mins down the road. On the way home, my feet were in so much agony (from my stupid heels!), I sent my then boyfriend home to get my trainers whilst I perched on a wall. 3 women came out and asked if I was ok, did I need help, and they stood outside with me until my BF had come back with better shoes (I had explained the situation!) – I mean how amazing is that. Women surrounding me, to make sure I was safe, and didn’t get attacked by a man!

And if you are a ‘not all men’ man, ask yourself, how many times have you felt unsafe, worried about turning a man down, having to lie and say you have a boyfriend because they will respect a man more than your right to say no. If you are a #notallmen then for the love of god, stick with us females and call out the misogyny and harassment and help make the world a safer place.  

And let’s take a moment to remember a female, who did nothing wrong, who just walked home and got attacked and murdered by a member of society that is there to supposedly keep us safe #RIPSarahEverard

Dating is so much fun, like the funnest (not a word I know), you get all the good bits of someone and even if they are not that good it’s a funny date story to recall. So, if you’re lucky, you get chemistry, butterflies and compatibility. If you are not lucky, you find yourself squished into a plant hoping to get away…(yes I have done that!).

But it is fun, even when you are in a good relationship, I bet you still miss the heady feeling of a first date or the anticipation of what is to come, it doesn’t mean you want to go down that road, but you can miss it.

Whether you are new to a stoma, facing one, like me are entering the dating world after years with the same person or simply curious then hopefully this blog will help!

So, here I am, single for the first time in almost 10 years and it’s so fu*&%ng amazing ha ha! I love living alone, I love having control over my own life, I love knowing I can live how I like and just be me! That’s not to say having a partner isn’t great, but I am learning it’s not everything.

In a nutshell, you can 100% date when you have a stoma, it’s up to you when you tell someone and take it at your own pace. Personally, I like to get it out in the open straight away, I mean if someone is going to be put off by it, I would rather know straight away so I am not wasting my time. If someone is put off by it, it IS NOT a reflection on you, it is a reflection on them. It doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person either, they just don’t understand it, but, whatever their reasons, you can make a swift and dignified exit.

I have never had a negative experience when telling men (I talk about men here as that is the sex I choose to date), in fact (and as awful as this sounds) I have used it to try and put men off! This was in the early days of having it, I would get chatted up in a bar and I would say ‘oh btw I have a stoma bag’ thinking they would do a U-turn, but nope, the usual reaction was either ‘oh what’s that then’ or ‘oh I don’t care about that’ or something along those lines. So, what you think is going to be really scary actually isn’t and I genuinely think most people aren’t that bothered.

So, I find myself navigating dating, not just for the first time in years but in a pandemic! Plus, I was always with the ex, before the stoma (albeit a few weeks) but he stuck around. So, it’s my first time dating with a stoma, so to speak.

Some of my best stories have come from the worst dates, and some of my best (men) memories have come from great dates, that may not have worked out but gave me a glimpse of what I would like. I mean, we are in the 21^st century, so what if we date a guy for a month or two then call it a day, or a year, or a week, who says we must have a relationship for life? I am not just saying that because I am now single, but I remember always thinking that when I was young. (I also thought I would get married 3 times like Joan Collins, but I am yet to even come close to a sparkling diamond ring 😉 so I don’t think I will bother with that idea now!)

Confession time, now there is no urgent need to date right now, we are locked up, can’t go on proper dates and I have only been single for 6 months. However, one Sunday, I was bored, had devoured a glass or 2 of wine and thought I would sign up to a dating app! Ha ha, that was an experience, for me, it was a good one, (massive ego boost too, not gonna lie) chatted to quite a few men, but I soon got bored so came off it. Anyway, when I would speak to men (I am not talking about the ones that message saying ‘hi, how are you’ then never engage in any further conversation) but any that I might chat to for a bit longer, maybe going over to WhatsApp…. I would let them know that I have a stoma, personally I would rather they know, if they are put off by it then I can say bye and crack on with my life. But my experience, so far, really has been a positive one. TBF, there can’t be many people that don’t know I live with a stoma – for those who know me or follow me on social media, you will know I am very open about it, it is nothing to be ashamed of and I see no reason to hide it. But it is still a bit of a nerve-racking thing to deal with when meeting (albeit virtually right now!) potential new dates.

So, I guess what I am trying to say, is own it, be proud of it, think of what you have gone through to get to the point of needing a stoma, that makes you bad ass, any potential partner should realise that and be in awe of you. You will be able to date and kiss and have sex and everything else that people without stomas do.

Whether you have a stoma or not and are navigating the dating world, good luck, be safe, have fun and bloody well ENJOY IT!!

I felt compelled to write on this as I know I am not the only one feeling it. It sounds weird right? I mean, here we are excited to see family and friends and hug them, to live a ‘normal’ life, go to the pub, a nice restaurant, out for coffees, on DATES!!! Maybe, even a concert and fingers crossed A HOLIDAY!!

So why does the thought of coming through the pandemic and back to normal life fill me with some anxiety? It’s obviously become our ‘new normal’, we’ve got used to it even though we are fed up of it. We have laughed at the memes that come out 5 minutes after Boris’s announcements, have loved Chris Whitty ‘next slide please’, are we getting more furlough courtesy of Rishi’s sudden unlimited pot of money, the relief of not having to wash our hair for another day or squeeze into skinny jeans, eating crisps for breakfast (is that just me?) not feeling pressure to go to the gym or on a night out we don’t really want to?

Now, we are facing the societal pressures, the need to dress up and look fancy, commute to the office, bound in with our healthy salad and bouncy hair and quite frankly it just feels a bit too much to be facing. I liken it to a long hospital stay, it’s horrible, not a place you want to be, you want to leave and be in your own home, get your hair done and dance with the girls/boys, but when you are discharged, you feel a bit bereft, not sure what to do, someone isn’t tending to you 24 hours, you have to think about life again, and it’s all, well, a bit strange.

If you are feeling a bit anxious/sad/overwhelmed about coming out of lockdown, then please don’t. You are not alone and I think we all have mixed feelings. The best feeling in the world will be those hugs then swiftly followed by the condensation on a cold glass of champagne on a summer’s day 😉 (jokes it will be hugs, hair then champagne!). 

This third lockdown has got us all a bit feral and we will all come out a bit unkempt, unruly and please for the love of god girls, ditch the bras and the heels (if you choose, but really – ditch them 😉). I mean really, can we stand in solidarity on this one?!

Sure some people will come out with bouncy shiny hair and a six pack, but that doesn’t have to be you, your journey has been different, your life will have been different and if we come out alive (albeit looking like something that fell out of a Yeti’s mouth) then that’s a really positive thing. Your journey will change as we get through the ease of restriction and you will adapt again. And can we learn from it? Say no to things you don’t want to do, negotiate with work for flexi working, go for that promotion/new job, stay at home more if that’s what you want, maybe take the pressure off.

We’ve all been in some kind of bubble and sometimes that’s a sticky, stick to your lips and nose, pink bubblegum bubble and other times it’s been one of those bubbles you blow yourself and create pretty patterns in the sky, but it’s hard to leave a bubble.

All I can say, is life will change again, but we adapted before and will do so again and I always say this…. IT GETS SO MUCH BETTER!! So, if you are feeling in two minds (and even feeling a bit guilty about it, as I am) about the situation then I can recommend, putting on some cheesy tunes, just your underwear (you may want to close the blinds, but no judgement if not, it’s only bodies – we all have them!) pour a glass of wine and DANCE IT THE HELL OUT!!

See you on the dancefloor – June 21^st 2021 (but can we keep the 10pm curfew for over 40’s please 😉)!!

I see so many people apologising on their social media feeds for too many pictures, for some it’s lots of baby pics, for others it might be all the holiday snaps, whatever it is I often see people saying ‘sorry for so many pics of (insert word here)’. But I don’t see why we should apologise for snaps we choose to put on our feed in-case it offends someone/people. That is what the unfollow or unfriend buttons are for – if you don’t like the things people post or it offends you – go away!

Personally I love seeing people’s baby pics and holiday snaps. I don’t have children and my niece is all grown up so I love seeing cute little babies on my feed – it makes a change from political rants and ‘what’s up hun?’ status’s/comments. I also love seeing the holiday photos, mainly because I am incredibly nosy and love to snoop on what others are up to and what they are wearing, plus it might give me inspiration as to where to take my next holiday. And who doesn’t love a picture of hot dog legs facing the pool or a Greek sunset on a dreary day, even if it does invoke a touch of envy that I am sat staring at a computer screen!

I have been guilty of posting pictures which I am sure many people find boring, you know, like the knobby ‘healthy salad’ (#healthy #natural #healthyfood #feelinggood) picture so I can feel all smug in my virtuous lifestyle – what you don’t see is the picture of me crying in the corner because I actually want chips (I don’t actually cry in the corner but have come close when eating said salad!). But I won’t apologise for it or the photos of my (moderate) champagne habit because that’s what I feel like doing at the time.

If you don’t like it unfollow or whatever but we really shouldn’t be apologising for our harmless choices in the pictures we choose to post!

And on that note I am reeeeallly not going to apologise for not posting in aaaggggees but I am definitely going to do it more – accompanied by pictures of course!

So I got thinking, after seeing a few forum posts about swimming with an ostomy, that maybe I should write about it. I kind of take it for granted now, it doesn’t really occur to me that people might be nervous about it but I guess they are. 

I’ve never really been one for swimming, even without my stoma, I’ve never really liked the whole process, get in swimwear, get wet,  do a length or two whilst wondering if you are in the ‘serious swimmer’ lane cos you crossed the boundary by mistake, dry off in a changing room with questionable hair on the floor (eww), put on clothes, go home, shower, eat a chocolate dipper (cos swimming makes you hungry?) – eurgh just far too much hassle. I’m more of a, I’m on holiday, it’s hot, I need to cool off, keep my head above water whilst I dip kind of girl. I’m a crap swimmer anyway, totally inelegant, I don’t have ‘beach hair’ and I splutter like my life depended on it if the water so much as touches my nose. 

But one day life comes along and says “hey you, you’re a bit fabulous so I need to give you this bag to wear on your tummy, but don’t worry it’s only poo” and cue tears of ‘but I want to still wear a bikini and can i still swim’. 

Well you can do both, we’ve seen the fab pics of people with stomas rocking their swimwear, proudly displaying their bags, so much so, I assume everyone does it, but I guess for every one person showing their ostomy are 20 people too scared or self conscious to show theirs. 

A year after my op (I had two bags one for my ileostomy, one for my mucous fistula, because of that, both bags were a bit unpredictable) I decided a holiday courtesy of someone other than the nhs was needed. First holiday was a bit nerve racking but I made it! Of course the biggest thing was the swimming pool. River Island Are amazing for high waisted bikinis and I bought loads and still do to this day, from them. I’ve never Been ashamed of my stoma but a high waist helped me feel more confident in the pool. I remember joining in a daytime pool game activity and it was bursting balloons in the pool between each other (omg what if my bag bursts…..!) I just went for it, I just shouted not my tummy! No-one questioned it or even cared and I had a great time. 

I do remember going to Turkey a couple of years ago and the main pool was closed because apparently someone had poo’d in it, I had a mini heart attack, what if that was me and my bag…but I realised it was totally illogical and I was just being paranoid! (Btw it wasn’t me, apparently it was some kid!!). Last year, 4 years after my op, I decided it was time to get some sun on my belly and wore (what I call) a normal bikini every day! I even swam like it, yes I was nervous, yes my insides were flip flopping more than if I’d taken my trusty super drys across a tsunami but I did it! I never don’t feel nervous, it’s a huge thing to show to the world but it’s really just a giant plaster. 

We should never be ashamed of the things that save our lives, take a deep breath, plunge or toe dip into that water, I promise it’s gets easier! (With just wish I had fabulous wavy beach hair to go with it!).