I am an odd human being, you see, I am in my 30’s (been in them a while) and I do not have children and nor am I married and this seems to warrant much bewilderment among, well, everyone. It seems it is very unusual indeed to be this person, I don’t think it is, but the way people act you would think that it is as unusual as an Alien landing on Earth. I have a boyfriend and we live together but it seems this isn’t enough in the world of people. I am sure there are many women out there who can relate to this, but I am ALWAYS being asked, ‘when are you getting married?’, ‘do you want to get married?’, ‘do you think he will propose?’ ‘does he want to get married?’ ‘do you think you will have children’ ‘do you want children’…..you get the picture.
Of course it isn’t just me that suffers with these questions, married women without children are asked the child question, married women with 1 child are asked if they want more children, pregnant women are asked when the next one will be. Men do not have this problem, men talk to men about football and boobs and computers. Have you ever seen a man get into conversation with another man and ask him, ‘so then mate, when you having children?’. I am not saying it doesn’t happen but certainly not as frequently as it does for us women.
It seems that you hit your 30’s (I don’t remember it being a frequent problem in my 20’s) and your ovaries are suddenly everyone else’s business. Why do complete strangers feel it is ok to question my marriage and child preferences? Those who have read my blog or who know me, will know that I am not a secretive person, I am very open, perhaps a bit too much sometimes. I would love to be one of those mysterious types, the sort of person others find intriguing because I am such an unknown entity, but sadly I just like to reveal stuff about myself whether or not people want to know!
I am not saying I am completely innocent, I have probably been guilty of asking women myself in the past, but since I have been the subject of much interrogation I am very aware of it and do not ask unless it seems it is appropriate. Plus, who knows what a woman may be going through, how do you know she isn’t trying for a baby but is having difficulty conceiving, bringing up the subject could cause a great deal of upset and hurt.
But what baffles me the most is people’s incessant desire to know such things, is it because they are a bit stressed with their brood and want you to be too, or are they indescribably happy and want you to have the same happiness, or are they just plain nosy? Whatever it is, it drives me crazy and I don’t know what the fascination is. It just seems that unless you are married with two children over the age of 5 you are not immune to the questioning on marriage and children.
What I will say is that I am not married (or engaged, noooo of course this doesn’t bother me ;)! ), but it also means I am not saving for a wedding and can instead spend my money on shoes, clothes and lovely holidays. I will also say that currently I do not have children which means that I can have lovely lie-ins, I can go on holiday on a whim (I would never do that, I can only cope with planned spontaneity, but I could if I wanted!) I can go out to dinner any day of the week without planning it, instead of buying toys I can buy more shoes and clothes and best of all I can drink my beloved bubbly any day of the week if I want to and if I have a hangover, the day is all mine!
Great piece! As a woman in my 30s who is not married and has no children , I find this line of questioning really frustrating too.
However I am engaged and I would like to have children so I get even more annoyed when people take the fact that you have a ring on your finger as an excuse to hassle you about why you haven’t yet set a date or popped out at least two babies. A lot of people, even those who know me well, seem to forget that I’ve been ill most of my 30s , that I only met my partner when I was 32, then had two major surgeries in the last 3 years and haven’t really had the time, money, physical or mental health to reach all these milestones yet. A lot of people also assume that since you are living well with a stoma and look healthy on the outside that it will be no problem to just get on with it and reproduce when the time is right and that it is therefore OK to quiz you about when you are having a baby or go on about the joys of parenthood as though it was something you had never considered before and actually you might have been trying for a long time- you just prefer not to discuss your sex life and deepest hopes and fears with them.
They don’t understand the hidden pain of infertility caused by surgery and the problems that women in their late 30s can experience, even if they haven’t had a condition like UC for years, with declining fertility as their ovaries become depleted. I assume that people see a woman in her 30s getting on with her career and enjoying her life and rightly or wrongly assume that they should be very very worried about this declining slope of fertility.
The truth is many of us, especially those who have only been in relationships with a bunch of losers and therefore prefer to be single are bloody terrified about it, but we still want to have a life and enjoy ourselves. If IVF never works for me, I still want to come out the other end, holding my head high, looking good, with a social life, self esteem and a job I care about. So nosy people and yummy mummies, BACK OFF!
Love this! (And so sorry it’s a delay in reply, I’ve not seen all my comments for some reason) x
I have nominated you for The Leibster Award. You can find out more here and I can’t wait to see what you reply… http://nicolabourne.wordpress.com/2014/11/13/the-liebster-award/