Can you spot the difference?

I can, and when I look there are minimal differences, like in those really annoying spot the difference puzzles! But, I can pick holes in both. This isn’t just about the aesthetic (I am fully aware I have privilege when it comes to ‘how a body should look’ and this is not about a cry for compliments), I can see it emotionally. TBF, figure wise, I prefer me, on the right, (probably because I conform more to societies standards of how ‘women should look’) but – oh boy, is that shit hard, it’s getting up at 5am, it’s lifting heavy, it’s coming home to a protein shake and eggs on toast, it’s then planning meticulously the food for the day….protein sausages, veg, snack on cucumber and protein cheese and so on. I am not saying there is anything particularly wrong with that but it’s when it becomes disordered it becomes a problem. Especially when you just want to faceplant a croissant (which interestingly has less calories than a bacon sandwich, but at least there is protein in the bacon 😉!)

Right now, I love my life, but I am in a place where I am struggling to get back into exercise, have put on a few pounds (which for me is very difficult to deal with), can’t seem to get back into a healthy routine and I don’t know if that’s lock down fever, happiness of breaking free, the pleasure of ‘Jump the Queue guy’ or just a general ennui.

I mean, I love eating real food and remembering what that tastes like (I haven’t decided if I should be happy or annoyed with Jump the Queue guy?!)  but I do also like to be healthy, only so I can give myself the best chance at life. But, as we all know, it’s balance, and I am not someone that does balance. But are any of us, really? Now, at the risk of sounding smug, I can have chocolate/sweets/biscuits etc. in my house and they will be there for months BUT put some wine in the fridge (not so smug now) and that baby will be gone in seconds.. wine is my weak spot in life!

It’s cliché, but I think I am just trying to discover who I am at the moment. I was always ill with my Ulcerative Colitis, then hospital, then operations, then I got better but had to live with a stoma bag, then a second op to sew up my bum (please ask any questions, I am not shy about answering!), then I just wanted some drama free years, I in no way regret my relationship but I am only now getting to know me and myself with the bag and what that means. Am I a 6 day a week gym going Sherrill, am I lazing on the sofa, eating pizza, drinking wine Sherrill or somewhere in-between? I have no idea at the moment, all I know is that I need to delete the food delivery apps and perhaps sign up to a greengrocer app or something? Or maybe just take my lazy arse out for a walk, but I shall keep you posted! 😉